I took a trip down memory lane this weekend. Well, more precisely: memory highway. On Saturday morning I jumped in the car and drove the 2.5 hours north to my hometown, for a long overdue visit with a dear friend.
So "R" and I spent a delicious lunch catching up and talking and laughing. (So much so, that we were both in tears at one point, with many eyes upon us in the restaurant. In fact, when we left, the waitress said "have fun! it looks like you're already having a great time!") heh. We always do.
Anyway, at one point during the day "R" looked at me and said "you know what? I hate this god-forsaken town and I can't wait to get the hell outta here!"
"I knew you'd come around" I replied.
Which brings me to the real topic at hand...not my relationship with my best friend...but my relationship with my hometown.
Surrounded by ocean, river, and mountains...the outlying terrain is simply gorgeous. But the town itself leaves much to be desired. I remember the day that my parents moved us there like it was yesterday. Its one of those memories that will be etched in my mind forever. (I was 11, a very tender age to be leaving all of my friends behind.)
As we drove into town I looked to my right, and then to my left, and started to cry. I expressed my anger at being torn from the town I knew and loved and relocated to "this aweful, redneck, stinky mill-town." I sulked for several days.
Eventually the weather got very warm and we spent the summer exploring our new neighborhood, swimming in the pool (a novelty that definitely helped soften the blow) and taking trips down the road to buy candy. Ahh, summertime....
Anyway, for the following 7 years I tolerated my hometown, but I never fell in love. I knew that as soon as I graduated, I would be out of there so fast it would make my own head spin.
I made the best of those years though. I had friends, I (mostly) enjoyed school, and eventually discovered a love of the game of pool. (The local pool hall being the very place that I met "R" and thus our friendship began.)
Sure enough, when I was 18 I was accepted to college in "the big city" and moved south to pursue my dreams. Over the following years I spent many weekends and holidays back home, but was always content in knowing that it was temporary and that I'd soon be returning to my new home.
So I went back to my hometown this weekend and as I drove into town, just like every other time I went back, I felt it. The mood, or aura that is ever-present. I'm sitting here trying to find the words to describe it... It's like, if the town was a person, it would be depressed. It would be the guy that goes to his day job that he really doesn't like, and grabs McDonald's for dinner on the way home, and then sits in front of the tv until he can't stay awake any longer. He thinks he'd like to do more with his life, but that fleeting idea is quickly supressed by the fact that it would require some planning and thought, and well, that's just too much work. Besides, things are comfortable just the way they are. No sense in trying to fix something that ain't broke.
I always felt that my hometown bred mediocrity. No one seems inspired. And if they do, its only to bring someone else down. What? A bed and breakfast in MY neighbourhood? Hell no! I'll be making sure that it never gets approved by the city! Everyone is so afraid of change. Even "R", who spent the last 8 years defending our hometown to me, has finally seen the light.
As I drove out of town the following morning I was suddently struck with sadness, at the fact that I don't love my hometown. I don't have an affinity for the familiar faces and neighbourhoods. Once "R" moves away, I will have no family or close friends left there, and will have no reason (or desire) to return. I spent a major part of my life growing up there, and sometimes I think back on all the good times and the bad, and I realize that my heart is broken just a little bit. It was like being in a relationship where I really tried to make it work, but it never felt right, and I was always disappointed.
Or maybe its not sadness I feel, so much as guilt?
But when everything is said and done, I will admit that my hometown will always have a place in my heart. Maybe not a big one, but a place nonetheless. A small place that I reserve for the town I love to hate.
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8 comments:
Apparently I don't know enough about your situation; why can't you just move back?
I think that most of us have some kind of a love hate relationship with our hometowns, I know that I do. I grew up in a town that was dominated by auto factories and I could not wait to get out and live somewhere, anywhere else. I go back every now and again to see friends and as soon as I hit town I know of the feeling that you speak. The town has a personality and it is not one that I love.
Have you heard the song "I Hate Winnipeg"?
Scott
I liked this post a lot. Made think about my relationship with my hometown. :3
I like this post. I didn't grow up in a town like your hometown, yet I know them well. Sure we're in different countries, but the small towns of Vancouver Island aren't too much different than the small towns here in Washington.
As a forestry student in college I've spent quite a bit of time in these smaller towns and for me they just aren't comfortable. They're not happy places, but again, that's just my opinion.
I always liked the idea of living in a small town. One of those fantasy smalltowns where everyone is really nice and nothing bad ever happens
with a name like "Clearspring Falls".
and I could own the local diner and also be sheriff.
Someday.
I think as the years go by, (and the town possibly changes for the better), you'll remember the people and good times more than the depressing "it" feeling.
I have a similar feeling for my hometown..it would be the anxious, jittery twitchy person who runs until they drop of exhaustion instead of the depressed McDonalds guy
:-)
Had to move my blog..drop by!
Kayla
I feel EXACTLY the same way whenever I visit home. Though I will always have my bedroom in our house, I have always felt like a visitor... it's now my parents' house, no longer my house. And yes, I do feel the guilt to have no desire whatsoever to move back (at least not yet). Funny enough, the people I care most about is still there -- friends, family, etc. But nothing will change that... I may have had my feelings towards my hometown changed, but my feelings for these people will never change. Don't worry dear, I think it's pretty normal to have this love-hate relationship with our hometowns. After all, it's usually the only living witness to our pasts...
Well well well, looks who has decided to become a writer! I knew you could do it! Have a little faith my friend, I am positive you will be successful at this if you really truly put your mind to it! You go girl!
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